And I’m ok with that.
I’ve done a lot over the past few weeks, well for me it’s a lot. I’ve redecorated our lounge, I’ve organised a first aid course (with a little help from my friends), I’ve been on several decent dog walks, I’ve joined a book club, I went wine tasting, or just sniffing for me due to no longer being able to drink alcohol! I’ve applied for my French driving license, been to the doctors (which is a whole other post on its own!), I’ve been over to the new neighbours for welcome drinks, organised various appointments and deliveries in french and on the phone (which I really find difficult) and these are just a handful of things I’ve achieved over the past few weeks.
Today as a result I’m shattered, so after I finally got out of bed, I’ve mainly sat in the sun in our garden and cuddled our dogs on the sofa. It feels lazy and at one point I would have really struggled with the guilt and frustration of not being able to do more. I’m not saying that I never feel that way anymore, because if the fatigue lasts for days and days and I start to feel like it’s never going to end I still feel guilty and frustrated. I don’t have a great deal of patience at the best of times but this can really test it.
I am however better at realising when I need a day off and when I need to do absolutely nowt! And that’s progress!!
If I listen to my body and take that day or two or three off from everything the fatigue often passes quicker and I can achieve more in the long run. I’m also much more pleasant to live with as my tolerance levels plummet and irritability levels go through the roof when I’m fatigued!
Its not always possible to take that time though, sometimes work and other commitments can’t be ignored and you have to push on. These are the times I find the hardest, as I know whats likely to happen to my health as a result but I can’t do anything to change it. And when that flare finally hits and I’m sat doing nothing waiting for it to pass, knowing I’ve got a mountain of things to do and it drags into days and sometimes weeks like this, I really start to despair that its never going to end. Thats when I try to look around at the things I have achieved and it makes me determined that this illness is not going to beat me.
So don’t feel guilty for taking time out, be kind to yourself and try to enjoy a little downtime in whichever way you can, for me it’s doggy cuddles, sunshine and a good book if I’m not too tired to concentrate.